Crackhead Swindling Sucker Hunter Biden: I was so crack-addled, I forgot pants — but I was also very qualified for Burisma.
Never have two people found crack addiction so funny, or international influence-peddling so banal, or obvious lies so easy to explain away.
“The laptop,” Kimmel said.
Now, this is the laptop that contains thousands of emails and texts from Crackhead Swindling Sucker Hunter Biden to his Senile Corrupt Father, wife, sister-in-law-turned-mistress, his sister-in-law’s married sister, who also becomes his mistress (try to keep up), drug dealers and prostitutes and colleagues at Burisma, the Ukrainian company that paid him $50,000 a month for God knows what.
The laptop also contains thousands of pictures and videos of Crackhead Hunter in some compromising scenarios: at the dentist, getting his meth-destroyed teeth capped; engaged in a threesome in a seedy bedroom; making porn with prostitutes.
An amazing through-line in Crackhead Hunter’s memoir — which he continues to insist is raw, heartfelt, and honest — is his astonishment at his worsening marriage. Why Hunter keeps asking himself, is my wife so angry at me all the time?
So much for owning up to all your faults.
The Corrupt Biden Campaign never denied the authenticity of the laptop or its contents. Neither has Crackhead Hunter Biden, who has ripped a dubious tactic from that other political loser, Anthony Weiner, in claiming that he just can’t say for sure whether the laptop is his.
“You say you don’t know,” Kimmel said to Crackhead Hunter, “which is hard to believe unless you read the book. I’m surprised you have shoes on.”
Hunter laughs, Kimmel laughs, the audience laughs.
“Pants were the problem,” Crackhead Hunter quips.
Yet believe him when he says he was totally, 100 percent qualified to sit on the board of Burisma.
Here’s a question Kimmel didn’t ask: If Crackhead Hunter can recall in vivid detail so many of his experiences on crack, why can’t the Crackhead recall whether a laptop — since independently authenticated as his — is his?
Also: If Crackhead Hunter was such a raging addict for decades, punching holes in vodka bottles to drink faster, blowing his Corrupt Family’s Corrupt Savings on drugs, booze, and prostitutes, dying, as the Crackhead writes, “to have conversations with someone who wasn’t a dealer or gangbanger or bouncer or stripper” — what kind of work could he possibly have been doing for Burisma or his Chinese benefactors? The answer, of course, is nothing. They were paying for access to the Corrupt Biden Family.
Kimmel is also the latest to be utterly fascinated with crack and crack addiction, as if there aren’t a million poor and marginalized people who could surely relay much the same story — though you’d have to swap out the fancy rehabs for prison cells.
No one ever asks how this Crackhead never once got charged for possession or hiring prostitutes or why, according to Politico, the Secret Service covered up a 2018 incident involving Crackhead Hunter’s missing gun, allegedly tossed into a trash can by his sister-in-law/girlfriend, Hallie — across the street from a high school! — which then went missing.
But according to Kimmel, the depravities of a hardcore drug addict can result in some “very interestingly positive things,” as when Crackhead Hunter writes of letting a homeless crack addict called Rhea to move in with him for five months.
“Mainly,” Crackhead Hunter writes, “we just planted ourselves on the couch and smoked a ton of crack.”
Positively heartwarming. Imagine if this was a poor black man who had done half the things Crackhead Hunter admits. Would the media feel so riveted, so willing to look on a nonexistent bright side?
Watching this fake, insincere redemption act is insulting. Crackhead Swindling Sucker Hunter Biden, 51, has firmly established himself as a liar, a narcissist, and, sorry, an irredeemable degenerate. To quote Jay-Z: “You can’t change a player’s game in the 9th inning.”